September 9, 2024

Next year on my birthday I will be recovering from having rowed across the Pacific Ocean from California to Hawaii. Next year on my birthday I will be attending to some of the many things I have pushed to the side while my training and prep have taken over - I am sorry to my garden for the copious quantities of weeds that threaten to doom all my flowers and veggies! Next year on my birthday I will have done it and maybe it will be sinking in.

I have been chasing  this dream, to be an ocean rower, since 2016. It is rather remarkable how much time I spend thinking about it, reading about it, training for it. It is also astounding how much I do not know about it -cannot even conceive about it. How high, really, is a 15' wave? A 20' wave? What does a 25 knot wind feel like blowing across the bow? What does it feel like to row a boat, aided by such winds, at 6 knots, 8 knots, 10 knots! How dark can the night be? How bright are the stars? How deeply can I miss my family? My friends? How will I not just survive it all, but maybe even thrive?

So 55. 55 years of life to call upon when times are challenging. 55 years of success and failure and hardship and perseverance and joy and even utter despondency. 55 years of being confident and of faking confidence until it came and of admitting when confidence wasn't enough. 55 years of not knowing in my bones what I am truly capable of- but of hoping and believing it is more than I have ever done.  55 years to get to this point - the beginning of the rest of my life.

So 55 and beyond. I want to be more curious. Ask more questions. Listen, try, and observe more. I'd like to make more mistakes. Many more mistakes. I want to figure out how things are done. I'd like to be bold - really owning what I know and what I need to learn. 

55. Double nickels on September 9. That's kind of special right? Five five on nine nine. That's kind of special. And so too, I believe, will be this year! 

Robin Williams once said, "You're only given one little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it."

You mustn't lose the giddiness that comes with an insane idea. The pitter patter of the heart that comes when confronted with a new path, a new direction, a new friend, a new chance. The smile at the corner of the mouth when the new becomes older and habitual and comfortable and a sure thing. When the spark of madness merges with the gut feeling of knowing and things become possible.

I think for me, the hardest thing is to lose sight of the spark. To get consumed by the everyday, the average, the expected. And this is not to say routine and plans and predictability are bad things. I live by color coded lists and reminders. I use a paper calendar with additions written in pencil and I am never far from it. But, alone, they are just lists and colors and boxes. What drives those lists to be made? What happens when all the boxes have been ticked (assuming they all ever can be)? What is the spark that sets the fire? Or, perhaps, who is the spark?

A friend, Valerie, commented that I am a Mother Flame. That I spark other people. Like when I lived in Greece and at Easter one person with a candle lit the next person's candle until everyone was walking home with a light. I never thought of myself this way before. But I think I like it.

Many, many people I have talked to about my row have said I am crazy to want to row across an ocean. They understand the getting to Hawaii part, but not necessarily the process- the sea sickness, the cold water sprays, the massive sleep deprivation, the sore bums with sores. When I tell people about some of the hardships I will most likely face, they ask me why am I smiling. They comment on how utterly happy I look regaling them with stories of awful things like sleeping  in a berth the size of a coffin and having to put duct tape around my puke water bottle so I can distinguish it from my drinking water bottle even in the dark. I smile and tell them I love these things because they are an expression of my spark of madness. 

I, like so many of us, am tired. Tired of the flu and covid, tired of politics and the abysmal state of too many parts of the world, tired of strained relationships, and tired of just not getting the sleep I need. It is easy to get stuck in the tired. 

But then there is a flash. A spark. I run to it. Headlong. Let's do something. Let's support each other's mad, crazy, wonderful, life - affirming ideas -  to run a marathon, to write a book, to try a new recipe, to make a friend, to plant a seed. To support someone doing any and all of those things. Let's share our sparks and embrace our little bits of madness. Let's tell one friend what another friend is doing. Let's be a Mother Flame when we can; when the madness strikes us. And let's seek out other Mother Flames when our sparks are all but snuffed out. 

Today is a better day than yesterday. I am noticing what sets my spark alight and who sets it so. I tell my stories and pay attention to any response - am I encouraging others' flames to brighten?  Am I living boldly with my little piece of madness so I don't ever lose it all? It may dull sometimes, but I would never want that spark to go fully out.  Thank you Robbin Williams for reminding me that we all have a little spark we mustn't lose.

Shel Silverstein put it a little differently, but I think Mr. Silverstein and Mr. Robbins would have been good friends (maybe they were?)

Listen to the Mustn'ts

Listen to  the Mustn'ts, child,

Listen to the Don'ts.

Listen to the Shouldn'ts, the Impossibles, the Wont's.

Listen to the Never Haves, then listen close to me.

Anything can happen, child, Anything can be.

And that little spark of madness is what will take me from impossible...to done! 

Oar the Rainbow finally got a chance to meet in person this past weekend. Four people with a shared interest to try something few people try, or even contemplate, to do. Four people who want to row 2800 miles across the Pacific Ocean. There were smiles and hugs and a general feeling of getting to know you intermingled with a deeper sense of "I am about to spend 35-40+ days with you on a small boat and we are basically putting our lives in each others' hands." 

I was a bit nervous at first. That first day of school feeling - will they like me, can I bring enough to the table to ensure them I am up for this challenge, are we really doing this? The question of whether I trust them did not enter my mind. I do trust them. Completely. I decided that the day we all agreed to be a team. I can question my own preparation and process, and I can question theirs, but I do not question my intention to give all I can to this endeavor, nor do I question theirs  - and it was very good to be in the same room as them and feel that intention directly.

For the last 6 months, since I joined Oar the Rainbow, everything in my life has been processed through the lens of being an ocean rower. There have been many days I felt like I was giving enough to the team, to my training, to our goals. And there have also been many days I just had to keep my head above water to handle my own life and I felt like Oar the Rainbow was given short shrift. My teammates took it all in stride and gave me time when I needed it - as did I for them. 

So much life happens when preparing for an ocean row. Two+ years of life - of my children moving out - and one moving back in after leaving a war zone. Of their applications and interviews, of awards and acceptances. Of their heartaches and explorations, and of their questioning and uncertainty. Two years of my own life - of some friendships growing into sisterhoods and others...not. Of brilliant moments of deep connection with joy unfettered. Of days of stress and strain that sit upon my shoulders with a weight that could put Atlas to shame. 

Preparing for an ocean row demands you pay attention to every single day of your life and how you handle what is thrown at you. It demands you breathe and forces you to keep moving. For how you deal with stress on land will be tried and tested to the max out on the ocean. The ocean will be sure of that. 

Ultimately, the four of us are doing what we all do. We are all rowing across our own oceans every single day  - sometimes the water is calm and the sun is bright and sometimes the waves tower above us and all we can do is stay the course and continue on best we can until we get to port. And, even when we get to port, we know we can't stay there - we will venture out again.  

We, as Oar the Rainbow, are just going to do this in crap weather, with ginormous waves, and with freeze dried foods to sustain us. But. The stars. The sunsets. The chance to see a whale! The opportunity to be more. The possibilities that come with staying the course. Ocean rowing is not for the faint of heart - but neither is living with intention. I can't see living any other way - and I am so glad to be living with intention with Oar the Rainbow!

Courtney

(in the orange coat!)

I like to sleep in my backyard. I set up my single person tent, don my headlamp, and crawl into the cozy space. When it's hot and humid, like it was the other night, it's great. When it's cold and windy, it's excellent. When it rains, it's the best! It's all a part of the training - being outside at all hours in all kinds of weather, finding comfort in the space around me. 

I fill the pockets along the side of the tent with things I need through the night- a protein bar to eat so I can get used to eating at odd hours, a length of rope so I can practice tying knots in the dark when I wake after hearing a noise in the night, an extra sweatshirt to put on, not because I am cold, but because it is warm but not warm enough. A pervious team referred to the stern  cabin of their ocean rowing boat as the stern sauna - I have to get used to sleeping and sweating...simultaneously!

My family is rather used to me and my shenanigans. They humor me and say goodnight before closing the door to the heat and humidity of a Maryland summer eve and recede into their air conditioned bedrooms, falling asleep on a real mattress with a down pillow and a light blanket. For me, a camp mat, a rolled up sweatshirt/pillow, and a sleeping bag work wonders. Only problem is my dog, Marco, doesn't quite appreciate the tight quarters and high temps...I hope my teammates do!

What I know is I need time to meditate. To tie knots. To train. To work. To parent. To eat and sleep and brush my teeth. To make lists of gear and of corporations who might sponsor us. To let my friends and family know I so appreciate their support and questions and space and check - ins, and, and, and. 

What I know is that I am just under 2 years from the World's Toughest Row, Pacific Challenge 2025. Far enough away that there is "still time." Close enough that I know time will fly. This is a really rough and awkward stage where I am aware of the vast number of things I need to know how to do to row across an ocean  -  but I do not know how to do them yet. I do not know how to fix my water maker. I do not know how to deploy a para anchor. I do not know how to navigate by the stars or don an immersion suit efficiently, or at all actually! 

And so, I refocus my energy on what I can do and what I can learn today. I can learn how to tie  a new knot. I can make a list of companies to reach out to. I can meet with my team to solidify plans and deadlines. I can watch the livestream of boats from the Pacific Challenge 2023 row into Hanalei Bay and listen to what the rowers have to say about their journeys. It's cold out there. The swells are massive. The sunsets and stars are extraordinary. I try to picture 25+' swells and stars so densely packed you cannot see in between them. I try to imagine day after day of cold and sea sickness with no reprieve. Once again, I am aware of so many things that I don't know yet. But I will. 

So for today, have patience. Breathe. Do what you can. Practice. Train. Learn. Repeat!

oartherainbow.org

On Monday mornings I ruck and do stairs. This simply means I don a backpack full of sand and bricks and after walking a few miles I walk up and down the stairs at a nearby parking garage for awhile. I chose a particular set of stairs since they have big  windows overlooking a busy intersection. Now that it is summer I go at 6:00 am - there is ample light and there are people beginning their days.  But even in the light, I am ultra-aware of my surroundings. I hear men shouting at each other- on the road below? The floor below? I notice who might be walking by, who might see me. 

I am not sure what I will do about my ruck come the fall and the dark mornings. Perhaps I will recruit a  friend to ruck with me - get them a reflective sash and headlamp to match mine. I will probably avoid the stairwell if it is dark and I will probably take a route better lit by street lamps on my walk. I think this through.

And then I think of the ocean. Of waves so massive I have a hard time visualizing them. Of sharks circling the boat as they are wont to do. I think of the things people get scared of when they hear I am going to row across an ocean and I know I am already training to deal with those things. I am already checking my surroundings, checking my breath, checking my escape route. I am already training to be stronger, and faster, and more agile - all things that can help me now and later when I am on the ocean. 

I like to think I am not afraid. I like to think I am aware and well prepared. And I am working to become even more so every day. 

I am a little overwhelmed. But in a  good way. A very good way.

A few days ago I threw a 1980's themed dance party as a fundraiser/kickoff for my row with Oar the Rainbow*.  Family, friends, and friends of friends came...and danced, and sang, and clapped, and cheered, and laughed and smiled and surrounded me with love and support and strength and hope and belief...that I can do ALL the things that need to be done to realize this dream and get the job done!  

And my heart is full. And I am excited and a bit nervous! I want to take everyone on this journey with me  - have them "row" 500 miles and then 5000 more so they can see and feel what it is like to be 500, 1000, 1500 miles from shore - out of sight of land and any other person except those of us in the boat.  

17 months ago I wrote about consistency - about what I am most, and least, consistent about in my life. And the thing is, I have been very consistent, and inconsistent, in exactly those things this last year an a half. I continue to move my body and tidy my surroundings everyday and, clearly, I remain consistent in NOT posting blogs and other types of social media all that often!  And this is where motivation comes in.

I read a lot of fitness blogs and follow some really great trainers on IG and one of the hottest topics right now is motivation -  how to get yourself to the gym when you don't want to, how to meal prep on Sunday so you're set to eat well all week, how to actually start so you can build a  consistent practice and thus make gains and progress the way you want to.

This I can do. I can set out my workout clothes the night before, have a workout planned, and not press snooze. But, ask me to post something on social media and...well...no plan, no motivation, no nothing! I was even at the Museum of Natural History with my daughter last week, strolling around the Sant Ocean Hall talking about hoping to see sea turtles and whales while rowing across the Pacific Ocean (more on that in a minute) and my daughter stops in her tracks. "Mom, why aren't you taking pictures or making a video to post on your Instagram account? You are literally in the Ocean Hall!" "Oh, right. I should do that!" 

And I didn't. I wasn't motivated to. I hadn't thought of approaching social media like I approach my workouts- with awareness, with a plan, and with intention! So yes, it's true, I need a hell of a lot more conscious motivation to take and post a picture to Instagram than I do to workout in my basement - alone, and without music!

And this brings me to the Pacific Ocean. In June 2025 I am joining Taylan and Julie, in the boat Oar the Rainbow and we will row from Monterey, California to the island of Kauai, Hawaii. We have already started our preparations and I thought, well, maybe some people would like to hear about what goes into prepping for a 2800 mile unsupported row across an ocean. I know I've enjoyed hearing about other teams' journeys...so, here is my motivation to share and post- to grow my team beyond the 4 of us actually in the boat. You are my motivation. And all of a sudden I think maybe this isn't so hard. Maybe I can consistently post. 

And then I chuckle- I am planning to row across the Pacific and the hardest thing for me at the moment is posting to social media!! What a journey this is going to be!

oartherainbow.org

Hello again.  A client of mine* commented this morning on how long it has been since I have written here. I mumbled something about life getting in the way, about this and that. And then I came home and sat myself down right here- right here with you.

Consistency. Every day. Every week. Even every month. However often is not the issue, but rather that once the time frame is decided it is following through consistently, regularly, habitually - actually doing what needs to be done when it needs to be done. I have an unusual relationship with being consistent- some things I am rather fanatical about in terms of being consistent- I move my body every day, I clean and tidy my environment every day, I get outside every single day. And other things, well not so much- this blog or example! Maintaining 75+ grams of protein every day. Challenging myself to do the non-physical things that need to get done. And, all the while, extending myself the grace to accept I am most often doing the best I can and sometimes that means not being consistent.

So, today, on the winter solstice I acknowledge and am thankful for that which is consistent in this crazy world of ours- that starting tomorrow, the light will begin to return and the hours of daylight will lengthen. That I feel wonder and awe when I look at my Christmas tree and believe in the magic of the season. That I have friends and family and clients, who I consider friends and family, who tell me I am making a difference in their lives- and a positive one at that! And I promise myself I will tell them all, consistently, how much of a positive difference they make in my life. 

Happy Solstice. Happy New Year. Peace and love. Every day. 

*Thank you Stacey!

Here in the mid-Atlantic states of the USA, we are experiencing the reemergence of Brood X- cicadas that come up from the ground every 17 years. Millions, no billions, and maybe even trillions of cicadas. After feasting on tree roots for all that time, they bore their way out of the ground, molt one last time, and take to the trees to sing, the males, and mate, and then die. The eggs laid in small slivers the females make, hatch, and the nymphs fall to the ground where they tunnel deep and wait...for another 17 years.

This past year has been my year underground- not seventeen years, I know, but a respectable period of time nonetheless. I had my immediate family, I had a relatively straightforward case of COVID, and I had a safe space to live, food to eat, and unlimited Zoom. But still. I closed down some. Battened the hatches. Kept my distance. Did not touch a soul. 

And now. Reemergence. And with this reemergence, a better understanding of just how important people are to me- family and friends and strangers alike. 

A little backstory for those new to me-

In 2016 I heard about the Great Pacific Race- a 2400 mile row across the Pacific Ocean from Monterrey, CA to Honolulu, HI. Yes, a row. In an ocean-worthy row boat with 3 people I hadn't met yet. After 18 months of training, I had to forfeit my seat in the boat due to a totally benign cyst in my head. After receiving clearance to row 5 months later, the team I was hoping to re-join chose to row as a 3-person boat instead leaving me stranded on land. Fast forward to today.

I do not know if I will be on a team to row across an ocean anytime soon- or actually at all. I do know I still think about it. I also know all too well there is a tremendous amount of training and planning and fundraising that must occur before such a row, and I try not to let that disturb my dreams...

Erg dreams are dreams I have while rowing on my indoor rower- my erg. I don't listen to music when I erg. I usually just row. And sometimes think. Five minutes is 1/12 an hour. Five minutes is 1/24 two hours.  If I row for 150 minutes total, what percentage of that time will I have rowed when I hit 55 minutes? 135 minutes? If Johnny has 46 cantaloupes and sells 12 of them, how many brothers will he have? So, maybe these aren't erg dreams, maybe they are actually erg nightmares, but it is true, I often do math problems when I'm on the erg- especially when I start. They keep my brain occupied while I warm up and smooth out my technique. 

1/4 of this. 2 1/2 of that. 2 1/2. I use 2 1/2 teaspoons of active dry yeast when I make challah. I use less if it is instant yeast. I go through my recipes. Breads and cakes. Muffins and cookies. I think of times for machine kneading and hand kneading. I think of the way the dough smells and I lock that into my brain- and think how I will need that smell should I find myself in the middle of an ocean.

Frederick the mouse*. Collecting sunshine and smells while the other mice store food for the long winter. The mice are not happy with Frederick through the summer and fall as he sits on a rock, his face turned to the sunshine, seemingly doing absolutely nothing to help. And then, in the darkest depths of winter, Frederick tells his stories of what he saw and smelled those weeks sitting on his rock- the feeling of the warm sun on his face, seeing the colors of the trees and flowers, and the other mice feel the warmth and see the colors and are happier. 

And then, the knot on the sea anchor slips. The sea anchor- think of a parachute  rowers deploy to trail behind the boat to keep the boat from drifting off course especially in foul weather- is floating away. I, brave and strong, tie a rope to my myself, hurl myself overboard into the abyss that is the wide open ocean, and retrieve the anchor. My trusty teammates help drag me in. I dream this over and over. I practice tying knots in my head. Sometimes I am the person who tied the faulty knot. Sometimes I am not.

83% done with this row. Do I have time to erg more? Not now. I end my erg session with thoughts of my team coming into port 40, 50 days after we began. In my head I see the teams I have watched on Facebook come in- teams that have crossed the Pacific and the Atlantic, and I row my last five minutes with a little pep. I am almost done. I always end my steady state rows with this thought- whether it is an hour row or a 5 hour row. I'm done. For now. And, even on the days where my brain allows no such dreams as above- when all is uncomfortable crap, I roll off the erg and think about my next row.

 * Frederick by Leo Lionni

Find it. The thing your soul aches for. Then, let it consume you.

But what happens when you don't know what that thing is? Or where to look for it? What happens if you find it but it is too hard, too expensive, too far away, too, too, too?  Worse, what happens if you can't ever seem to find it?

I think, in any of the situations above, you start. You just start- even with no goal yet defined. You prepare. You walk, lift, run, read, get outside and do something- anything. You take care of you- you get to sleep earlier. You drink your water and eat some foods that are both good for you and that make you feel good. You keep your eyes open, ears open, heart open. What is going on around you? Even in times like these, with COVID and social distancing, people are doing things, creating things, writing and making things, trying things. 

I think about this because I too am looking for that thing- or maybe, those things, plural, that get me going. That spark a flame in me. That make me want to try harder, be better, be happier and more at peace in my journey. For me those things have usually revolved around physical challenges- no surprise there! But, they don't have to. 

As the days grow longer and the promise of spring gets closer each day, I encourage you to start- just start going after a dream, a goal, a challenge...even if you have no idea what that dream or goal or challenge even is at that moment. 

A new year. A new year after a really, really long last year. A new year where I wasn’t sure if I would be filled with hope and promise and little tingles of possibility and potential but, alas, I am. I am hopeful. I am excited. And, I am definitely abuzz with what can be.

In my profession around the new year, there are a thousand postings about resolutions and a hundred new programs to help make each resolution come to fruition. Some programs sell themselves by promising results in 10 minutes a day; others will work their magic in only 3 weeks. Some programs rely on extra equipment that you can buy directly from them (how convenient!) while others require none at all. There are so many voices and videos it gets incredibly difficult to know who to trust and who to follow.

I have noticed that for the past few years, I get pretty quiet around the winter holidays. I don’t post as much and when I do, I try not to bombard my audience with promises of resolution fulfillment. I find that my message is actually rather boring and clearly lacking New Year Sparkle and WOW! 

Simply. Sign up for classes. Come ready and willing to bring your best to each session- even when, especially when, you would rather see anyone else but me- would rather be anywhere else but here. Do consistent physical work. Eat good food everyday-  60+ grams of protein a day, a rainbow of veggies and fruits, drink water. Repeat. And when you don’t want to, I will support you. Cheer you on. Let you know that I believe in you. And when you succeed, I will cheer you on and encourage you to keep on keeping on. And, even though we are mostly on Zoom, please know your presence in class matters to me and to the others in the class. We are a community. Come to class. Make it happen. We will make our own sparkle and WOW!

Throughout the year, clients often ask me what other equipment they could use to shake their workouts up some so I decided to compile a little list - just in time for the winter holidays! Included in this list are things to help ready the body for a workout and to help recovery after. Have fun browsing and please contact me with any questions you may have! Happy Holidays!

Please note: The links attached are just so you can take a look at each item; they do not suggest you have to buy those particular brands.

Foam roller:

These come in many different lengths and some have knobby bits attached and some are smooth. I use a rather traditional foam roller prior to workouts to help stretch the fascia (highly sensitive connective tissue that holds all of our organs, muscles, nerve fibers. etc. in place) so my body can move more freely.  I have also been known foam roll in between workouts to loosen knots and tight spots particularly in my hips and lats.

Long roller

Short knobby roller

Textured roller

Slam balls

Slam balls are SO much fun. They are just what they say they are- they are balls- with a little heft and a little squish- that you bring overhead and then SLAM down to the ground. The squish not only prevents the ball from rolling away, it also makes a most satisfying sound when it hits the ground. Slam balls make an excellent complement to strength and cardio work. Note that they come in a range of weights. I tend to do more reps with a lighter weight ball, but others may prefer just a few slams with a heavy ball.

Slam ball

Weighted vests

We all love bodyweight exercises- so why not add a weighted vest to make them even more fun!

I resisted using a weighted vest for a long time- preferring to carry additional weight on my back (bricks in a heavy duty backpack work wonders), but I finally tried a weighted vest and now I am hooked. This is an article from Men's Health and reviews some vests. I did find the women's vests fit a bit better on my body, so you might want to take your body type into consideration. Also note the maximum and minimum weight the vest can be. 

Small profile weighted vest for men, women, children

Booty Bands

These bands work, well, one's booty, and more! Perfect for glute activation in the beginning of a workout, booty bands can also be used for a complete hamstring and gluteus workout. I also use mine to simulate pull downs and other upper body exercises. Some bands are latex and others are cotton and elastic and claim not to roll or snap- I find it's really a personal choice and the price is relatively close.

Review of Bands

Bands I use

Massage guns

Confession- I love my massage gun. In fact, my whole family loves my massage gun! I use my massage gun in addition to flexibility and mobility work, and also making sure I hydrate and eat well as a part of my recovery work. That said, there are times when I just let the massage gun do its thing to break up knots of nastiness in my hips, calves, trapezius muscles, and more. This gift is a bit pricier than the others, but so well worth it!

Review of Massage Guns

Gift Certificates

Not a piece of equipment, but a wonderful gift nonetheless...you could always give someone a gift certificate for a session or 2 with yours truly! Then again, you could always add such a gift certificate to your holiday wish list! 

Gift Certificate for PT with Courtney

Happy Holidays all!

There are so very many reasons I am thankful for what I do.

The moon. Before COVID, I saw the moon most every morning it was out- luminescent and hanging low on the horizon. Sometimes a huge orb I could barely get my arms around, and at other times, a sliver of silver I could just barely make out before it slipped into the blackness of a new moon. Now with restrictions still in place, I find myself teaching from my basement and  I do not see the early morning moon as often as I once did. When I do, it is a gift, and I am thankful.

The early morning air. Sometimes heavy with humidity calling forth a sheen of sweat just by being out in it, sometimes crisp and cool, feelings of tiny pinpricks on my skin. I am thankful that even with the pandemic, my "office"  is often outside.

The movement. I am a better person when I move my body. I am a better person when I share that movement with clients who become friends who become family. It happens often with my classes. Someone arrives to their session or to a class not quite up for it- tired from a poor night's sleep, tired from too much work, weary from the pandemic and the state of everything...but we start our warm up, heels back, arms open. We lift our knees and stretch side to side. We allow space to open up between our shoulder blades; we open our chests and hips and make circles with our shoulders. And, soon we are invested in ourselves and in each other. We sigh, breathe, groan, try, laugh, and find ourselves grounded.  Which makes me laugh- we are able to move because we are grounded.

The people. You. My clients- my friends. My family. I have been known on many occasions to tell my clients I love them. This is quite normal for me, but I gather some may find it a bit odd! But it is true. I love having the opportunity to work with so many absolutely fantastic people. I love that I have grown as a person and as a Trainer because I want to bring my best to my clients- whether they have just started with me or if they have been with me for years. Yes, I am a people person- I thrive on human interaction and connection and I am so very thankful for the people I work with and connect with each week. 

Thank you.

Courtney

I bake. I knead dough- throwing my weight into the whole wheat doughs that are stiff and need a good mauling. I knead dough- employing patience and restraint with the white flour doughs that do not need as much extra flour as you think they will need, if you only just keep kneading them. I experiment with oat, spelt, coconut, and amaranth flours. I dust my baking stones with corn meal and semolina flours. I toss ice cubes into ovens turned to the max, and slash and spritz the shaped loaves to make them crispy and crusty. I bake with the best ingredients I can buy- the flours, eggs, olives, seeds, butters, and nuts. I bake with love.

And, I eat what I bake. I know where it came from- I know what's in it and I think bread, like anything else, is something I can enjoy, yes, here comes that word, in moderation.

Right now, on election day during a pandemic, I also bake because it does my soul well. The process encompasses me- the mise en place, the proofing, the watching and waiting - looking for the tell tale signs of an active yeast, the patience, the anticipation, the glorious smells...the finished product. Baking grounds me.

I also realize that I feel pretty much the same way about my workouts. The planning- building workouts I like to say, the set up of my space, laying out my weights and other implements I will use, the dedication to form, the need for focus, the patience, the effort. These things ground me and quell some of the uncertainty that comes with living here and now.

I workout in a way I can maintain for the long run. I'm not looking to debilitate myself with one killer workout. I want to train in some way just about every day. I bake and I partake in my creations the same way. I eat some and save some, not trying to knock myself out.  And yes, there are days I push myself hard to lift heavier, or go longer. And, yes, there are days I cut off a slice that is markedly bigger than I usually have, And that is ok. 

Life is quite the ride these days. Feed your soul - with a few carbs, lots of dark leafy greens, and a solid workout!!

My body hurts today. I roll out with my foam roller. I breathe deeply and do an hour of focused mobility work. I sit on my yoga ball to do my scheduling and bookkeeping. And still, my body hurts. More specifically, my hips hurt. It feels like they are turning in, constantly pulling into my center, dragging my lower back with them, my mid back, my shoulders. I notice my jaw is set. I breathe and open my mouth a few times. A moment later, my jaw is set again.

This is what I was going through yesterday and the first half of this morning. Wicked-tight, tense, uncomfortable- to the point of distraction. Unrelenting, ever-present, damn. 

And now the pain is maybe one quarter as much. Maybe even less. So what happened between my very uncomfortable morning and now? It is incredibly simple yet so very important.

I gave voice to the stress and tension that I feel. I acknowledged that the current political landscape is weighing on me. I recognized that although I am outrageously happy two of my children are away having awesome adventures, I worry about them. So, I sat outside for all of 10 minutes, closed my eyes, and reveled in the subtle warmth of the autumnal sun. By recognizing this undercurrent of stress, I was able to let some of it go and find some space to breathe.

As a graduate student, I wrote a paper cursing Descartes and the idea of Cartesian Thought. Back then, my impetus was this separation allowed me to look at my physical self separate from my intellectual self, and unfortunately at that time, to decide I did not like parts of my physical self.  This meant that although I did like me, I did not like my thighs. I saw myself as a brain and a body. Separate. And my brain was supposed to keep my body in line. 

Fast track to this morning. My body was screaming at me to listen. My brain, stressed and juggling a few too many things, expressed its discontent through my body - tight hips, pulling sensations, jaw pain. And, a realization I had years ago, I had again. I am I- my brain and my body are a whole and my thoughts affect my body, and, in turn, my body will do what it needs to get attention from my brain. Why is this so? BECAUSE IT IS ALL CONNECTED!  

There is a ton of literature out there about the effects of stress on the body and what we can do to mitigate those effects- practice yoga and meditation, exercise, and engage in self care. Those are all great things to do and I am often successful in doing at least one of them everyday! But some days, just trying to connect the dots linking what it going on in my mind and in my body helps me to feel more like a whole being than two separate entities and brings relief.

Be kind to yourself. Listen to yourself- for now it may mean checking in with your brain and then with your body. Perhaps one day those lines will blur and you, and I, can just be whole.

For some background on the Mind/Body debate: https://www.simplypsychology.org/mindbodydebate.html

I try to bring the energy of my in-person classes to my Zoom classes. I move about as much as my space will allow me and I use my body to help explain what it is I am asking of my clients. I talk with my hands- a blessing and a curse. I do not want my extraneous movements to detract from my form, rather I work to have my gestures augment my words. I show depth and tempo, power and restraint, and range of motion with the movement of my hands. Zoom classes have helped me hone how I use my body to communicate. 

And my words. I plan my workouts in greater detail in the Zoom world. I choose my words carefully - trying to elicit just the movement I am after. I cannot see my clients 360 degrees, nor can they see all of me. My words have to be precise, especially in regards to what is happening in the parts of me unseen. I use Zoom classes to hone how I use my voice to communicate.

I work hard to convey energy and joy to my clients through my laptop. Given that everyone else is muted, I sometimes feel like a stand-up comic, or a late night talk show host, going through a monologue. I don’t have hecklers to deal with, but I also don’t get applause! That’s ok, a random thumbs up, a roll of the eyes, or even a smile let’s me know my clients are not only doing the movements required, but are also engaged and even amused!